It's funny what you remember

when i was in first grade we were signing yearbooks out on the playground. a girl in my class came up to me and said her older brother wanted me to sign his book. well he didn't have a book but rather a sheet of paper and i didn't have any good place to sign the paper except on the blacktop. as i started to sign my name my pencil broke through the paper making a hole. when i handed it back his sister said that i could have found a better place than the blacktop to sign my name. i still feel bad all these years later...why is that?

On My IPOD
Sufjan Stevens - The Avalanche
Sunset Rubdown - Shut Up I Am Dreaming
Sandra McCracken - Gypsy Flat Road
Q And Not U - No Kill No Beep Beep
Oh No! Oh My! - Oh No! Oh My!

what's a vegetarian to do?

Katie and i at Rudys last month. thanks to my friend Stew who came out from California and took this picture. just a note, Rudys is one of the most vegetarian unfriendly places you can find to eat but what do you expect from a place that has a sign outside which reads "Real People Eat Meat." i was forced to eat potato salad and cold slaw...oh well.

On My Ipod
Architecture In Helsinki - Fingers Crossed
Sunset Rubdown - Shut Up I Am Dreaming
Nobody & Mystic Chords Of Memory - Tree Colored See
Danielson - Ships
David Thomas Broughton - The Complete Guide To Insufficiency

why am i not sleeping

sometimes things come at you so fast that you have no way of fully processing them until much later. my mother told me that it wasn't until years after my grandfather's death that she saw my father cry. sometimes it is the smallest things that will trigger those long repressed memories to bubble to the surface of your conscience. so much has been happening to me lately that i wonder what things i am internalizing and which will haunt me later. there is a part of me that has does not want to be father and yet another part that wants nothing more than to look into the mirror and to see his face. maybe it is only the negative aspects of my father that i fear because he is without a doubt the most incredible man that i know. i would not have traded being raised by him for anything in the world. what negative parts of myself do i fear? when i look in the mirror who is it that is looking back at me? will i be a good father? am i ready? something inside me says that i am and that scares me shitless. there is so much that i need and want to do. i have no idea how a child will change that. i have to stop staying up so late and thinking. i need some sleep.