why am i not sleeping

sometimes things come at you so fast that you have no way of fully processing them until much later. my mother told me that it wasn't until years after my grandfather's death that she saw my father cry. sometimes it is the smallest things that will trigger those long repressed memories to bubble to the surface of your conscience. so much has been happening to me lately that i wonder what things i am internalizing and which will haunt me later. there is a part of me that has does not want to be father and yet another part that wants nothing more than to look into the mirror and to see his face. maybe it is only the negative aspects of my father that i fear because he is without a doubt the most incredible man that i know. i would not have traded being raised by him for anything in the world. what negative parts of myself do i fear? when i look in the mirror who is it that is looking back at me? will i be a good father? am i ready? something inside me says that i am and that scares me shitless. there is so much that i need and want to do. i have no idea how a child will change that. i have to stop staying up so late and thinking. i need some sleep.